Window Shopping Humanity, Part II: Art of Picture-ology

Previously: Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown

Your pictures are more important than everything else in your profile COM-effing-BINED. Its your first, best and only remotely credible impression. Online dating is an environment where false advertising and pig lipsticking is rampant. We all know this. Although pictures can be misleading they are not as easily fabricated as the fictional literature you’ve attached below.

Most men are 95% decided after viewing your pictures. Everything else after that is far more likely to subtract rather than add to our impression of you. Here’s how it works: First we view your pictures. If still interested we checkout the rest of the profile primarily to give you an opportunity to prove you are of sound of mind and spirit. This is the part we find out whether you would key my car when a female name shows up on the caller id and ask questions later.

Now that we’re clear on the importance of your visual presentation here’s how to get the most of your very average looks.

Disclaimer: A lot of what follows below will sound very cold, shallow and may be even dickish however its simply a reflection of how you would judge anyone if you were an average male and all you had were pictures. A guy looking at your profile has zero emotional connection to you at this point therefore the process is impersonal and algorithmic. Reading too much into the background, attire, posture, supporting cast, anatomical exposure, facial expression etc is pretty much par for the course.

Ladies if you have a weak stomach, lack a sense of humor, don’t know the difference between “ought to” and reality, or tend to take statements by random guys on random blogs too personally then consider this the last exit before the tolls.  Buh Bye!

Quality and Quantity

An unflattering picture of you is like finding a dead mouse in a box of premium chocolates. The averaging out effect just doesn’t exist here. The more pictures you put up the higher the probability of a mouse in the house. Do a google images search for the most beautiful woman you know and I bet you inside of the first 10 picture there is at least 1 stinker.

The same chic can be a 4 or an 8 depending on which pictures of her you view. Posting 12 pictures of you as an 8 and 2 of you as a 4 makes you a 4 online even though you may be a 7 or 8 in real life.

Lets keep it to about 5 – 8 stills of the very best of you. From my experience the more pictures of you I see after about 8 the less attracted to you I become. This could be a result of the front loading effect were the best pictures are posted first or it could just be that familiarity breeds disinterest. The key with pictures is to know when to quit while you’re still ahead. Its more important to make sure you only show your BEST photos than to showcase your bubbly personality with a Halloween photo of you in something very unflattering. If scaring guys away was the point then congratulations! You win.

So unfortunately you are going to be judged disproportionately on your worst photo. Women have little in common with fine wine so we assume your least attractive photo  is your most recent and quite frankly the only one that matters since we’re interested in you for the future and not so much for what you looked like 3 years ago before you moved the elliptical into storage.

Too many times I see profiles where a chic has a number of great photos of her but inexplicably selects the worst one as the profile pic. This is fine if you’re expecting the rest of your profile to be read in brail. You are better off with an inconclusive first impression than a passport photo clear subpar version of your mug. If you go with latter at least make sure you’re smiling. Frowning doesn’t only give you wrinkles but also makes sure you wrinkle in the company of numerous cats and an Agatha Christie.

Too many chics be looking like angry birds.


There are two kind of co-stars you want to avoid at all costs: Adult males and anyone under 5.

You helped deliver your nephew so you guys are tight and shizz  but if you’d like your own delivery any time soon, lose that little hombre. Men looking at your profile don’t like to see you holding young children they haven’t fathered yet. Yeah I know there’s a caption clearly stating the baby ain’t your’s on the other hand  there’s the fact that we know haunted houses aren’t real but we still react like they are.

So funny story, we also don’t want to see you with other grown men.  Its just difficult imagining being your man when my spot appears to be occupied. It doesn’t matter if its your old man, identical twin brother or your gay bff lets just leave other men out of the picture especially Smoochy McGroper over there with the greasy hair and gold chain.

And if you have to crop a guy out don’t be sloppy about it. Make sure there isn’t a visible hairy male forearm around your shoulder or something. That is just as off-putting as the uncropped version. However men in group photos are fine although group photos tend to be useless since I have no idea which one you are and I’m too lazy to figure out “2nd row, third from the left”.

Goddammit who’s left? mine or your’s? Ah forget it. Next!

Bonus co-star to avoid: Women much more attractive than you are. You’re just talking me off the fence with that and I’m not coming down on your side baby girl.

In summary, there’s very little to be gained by showing pictures of you with any prominently observable human faces. Your best chance lies in working solo.


Picture of you at a shooting range skews crazy every time. Pictures of you at Buffalo Wild Wings downing beers and taking names is kind of a Buzzkillington. In more general terms masculinity unexplained and out of context is not attractive. Avoid pictures of you in overtly masculine situations. There might be an exception for playing sports, but try to avoid schweddy close-ups. Listen we like athletic, active women but this usually works as an attraction after we’ve seen you clean up or at least met you. For now a close-up of you doing work in Rugby is just not worth the risk.

If I wanted a man I wouldn’t be looking at your profile Miss. So lets lose the shots of you splitting firewood,  its not really good for the wood. Since you’re taking stuff down get the ones with you an alcohol in close proximity while we’re at it.


We look you over FAST – Face Ass Shape Tits. If we cannot infer or verify each point we put you down for the worst possible score since we assume you’re hiding something.  If you had a killer ass and banging body we know you’re going to find a way to tastefully show it. But that’s cool though just keep posting close-up half face shots and we’ll be happy to fill in the blanks for you.

When it comes to showing skin modesty is the best policy. Exposed anatomy hits the point of dimishing returns very quickly. I don’t need to see you in a bikini to chart your scores, my imagination when fed just enough information will most likely project your features to be better than they are in reality. In our imagination the ass in those jeans ain’t got no cellulite.

Also the only men who are all too happy with their women exposing it for all to see are pimps. The well educated doctors, lawyers, and engineers that you and your parents covet would first have you in a hijab before they show their friends your bikini photos.

In general any overt or covert displays of skanky or lose behavior never helps and this includes those slimy camera phone, mirror aided self portraits, any duck face shots and too many pictures with greasy brodudes.

Non-human and innanimate objects

You’re not helping with pictures of your pets, crummy arts and crafts work, ocean, sunsets, the Eiffel tower or other smoldering piles of crap you’re obsessed with. I didn’t take the chance to publicly declare my inability to get laid in the real world just to fall in love with your miniature schnauzer or find out how nice Puerto Vallarta is this time of the year. If it doesn’t have you in it can you wait to show it to me when we’re at that stage when I have to pretend to give 2 shizz? Super!

No pictures

Yeah I know you’ve written a “funny” profile with all the retarded cliched life quotes and you have a PhD and all but girlfriend none of that matters if I have no idea what you look like. Look the competition all have pictures so why the hell would I go through the trouble of emailing you to get a picture? There’s already too much uncertainty inherent to this method of mate discovery we really don’t need anymore. Again there’s literally 5000 other chics within a 50 miles radius of me who actually look like something.

So please go away and come back when you’re ready to post pictures. As it is you’re just clogging up the server.


Your best pose is a side profile shot with your head slightly tilted towards the camera. This is the best you’re going to look although its sadly not a cure for morbid obesity. The benefit of this angle is that you expose just enough for our brains to effectively fill in the blanks. From half or three quarters of a face we will return prettiest whole face possible from those pieces and from one boob we’ll nurse an equal sized, perfectly symmetrical pair.


It appears that I am encouraging you to … you know … cook the album a little. That would be only half true. I’m simply preparing you to advance past this fellow on the computer. See he is shallow, over demanding, uncompromising and erroneously reads something into everything. He is also currently working through a 1250 deep search result set so he’s quite impatient. In the real world he’s a lot more forgiving of your flabby arms and your interest in behavioral economics actually counts for something.

The goal here to have this cyborg ask you to meet the brick and mortar, skin and bones him i.e. the pleasant human version of him which is who you are hopefully going to have a relationship with.

One Comment on “Window Shopping Humanity, Part II: Art of Picture-ology”

  1. […] Window Shopping Humanity, Part II: Art of Picture-ology → […]

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