Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown

If you’re one of those stumps who still isn’t aware of my position on online dating

a) WTF! … bitch!

b) Read up …. bitch!

c) Yo! bitch ya done yet? … …  …  …  … … … …  bitch!

Sorry sobering up from a Breaking Bad binge orgy. Unfamiliar with the show? This is why no one likes you. Seriously freals watch it. 

Alright, now that we’re all caught up. You might be surprised to learn I spent a few weeks on the match.com. Here I even baked a pie to explain.

I’m still single…  so … yeah there’s that. Oh but look on the bright side I did however realize how horrible an online personality I translate to. Maybe someday I’ll get into why exactly I’m toxic online. Here’s a tease: You people aren’t in the habit of placing bids on large black men sight unseen. Why do you think those slave auctions in Roots were never on Ebay? Yeah I know how convenient to blame your race for your general sucking at life. Also the  fact that I am apparently the only human who doesn’t like travelling also factors in possibly certainly.

Note to self: Self deprecation, not attractive … anywhere.

Wait ..sorry … I thought his about reviewing online dating and helping the ladies with their profiles.

Yeah lemme finish… I usually find advertising fascinating so reading through so many profiles was quite one hell of a time for me. Online dating is simply the process of surfing through a series of infomercials or pretty much my late night TV viewing habits.

Stupid me, I thought I already mentioned how this is not about you.

Alright now to the book report but first lets level set.

  • For obvious reasons I only focus on the profiles of women seeking men.
  • The observations and recommendations I make only address women seeking high quality, discriminating men as opposed to those women seeking low value males fishing with grenades. Here’s why this is important. You see most guys on online dating sites fall into 3 categories:
    1. Interested in serious long term relationship with the right woman.
    2. Interested in a quick lay given a willing party.
    3. Genuinely there for (1) but would settle for (2) while (1) pans out …yaknowwhatImsayin’?

A majority of the men are more or less 3s. The women I address in this report would much rather be considered for position (1) and (3.1). This report does not address women primarily interested in the (2), (3.2) and missionary positions. For them there is no reason to worry about their online presentation since their most important asset is the willingness to spread it and forget it. These women would do just as well with a completely shizzy profile which can be created without my help.

  • Finally I am simply projecting the thought process of your average, kind, generous, gainfully employed, never married, no kids, upstanding male citizen in pursuit of (1) and (3.1). This doesn’t necessarily imply an endorsement or renunciation of their methodology and choices. This report is simply a statement of fact as I understand the facts to be which you can safely assume is pretty much how the facts are.

I will break this down into 3 parts

  1. Art of Picture-ology
  2. Science of Profile-ing
  3. Miscellaneous Observations

Ok kids, it appears I have some writing to get to.


2 Comments on “Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown”


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