Self Driving Cars and the Insurance non-problem

Lets talk about self driving cars: They’re not coming now or anytime soon. ok? What we’ve managed to do so far is say:

Guys assume your roof is the moon, okay here’s a ladder to get to your roof. We have longer ladders in the works so we’re pretty much on the verge of a space program.

Alright lets talk about the question that invades every self driving car discussion. It goes like this…”The most important question is who’s responsible for an accident?”. No that is not an important question. It is a dull and uninteresting question and far less important than the following questions:

1) Wait why would there be a crash?

2) What exactly is the fail mechanism? Is this known?

3) How often do we expect this crash to happen?

Those are the important question. There are millions of autonomous systems in the world for which their failure can be catastrophic but we never ask “Wait if my coffeemaker burns down my house who is responsible? Me? Cuisinart? “. The reason why we never ask this questions about a coffeemaker or electric oven is because 1) they are dull and uninteresting questions and 2) my home appliances will most likely not torch my house. So if the fail rate is low enough we really don’t care because we can determine liability on a case by case basis. However if the fail rate is high then we need a general rule of thumb for assigning liability. But wait… if the fail rate is high then we can just keep driving ourselves rendering the question dull, uninteresting and moot.


Why IBM Watson’s Expert Personal Shopper is a mostly moronic idea

So IBM has built what it believes is the most intelligent AI machine in the history of history, Watson, and now its time to deploy it to solve a “problem” no actual human or at best few humans ever has. . Here’s an excerpt from an Engadget story describing the app.

….but now IBM’s supercomputer has a new career: personal shopping. IBM has partnered with digital commerce firm Fluid to develop a cloud-based app called Expert Personal Shopper (XPS), which uses Watson’s brains to answer buyers’ highly specific questions. In short, the computer with many hats now plays the role of a sales associate when you’re shopping online. IBM and Fluid are currently working with several consumer brands, but The North Face will be the first to feature the technology on its website. When the outdoor clothing and equipment company launches XPS, you can ask it questions like you would an assistant at a mall. If you needed a recommendation on the best equipment to use for a five-day cross-country trip, or need to know the best tent to use if you’re hiking with family, including kids, then Watson’s got your back. It’s unclear when XPS will launch exactly, but IBM has granted Fluid a $100 million investment to speed up the digital shopping assistant’s development — all parties involved are planning to develop it further for mobile applications and devices.


It is quite telling that there are only one or two retailers interested in this.

What problem exactly does this solve? The kind of shopping being alluded to above is not an optimization problem. The point of shopping is not to save 20 or 30 minutes, it is to get what I (as in ME with my unique preferences, requirements, quarks etc) want. This is not a problem for a probabilistic machine. If I had to purchase a 1000 different items in 1 hour sure optimize away. Or if I had to purchase a valve for my boiler that had to adhere to a particular spec then sure whisk me directly to the valve that fits. Unfortunately such precision products are already very meticulously categorized by relevant properties to make a Watsonian intervention redundant.

The answer to the question “Best equipment to use for a 5 day cross country trip” is neither binary nor portable from one person to another. Most of shopping is a discovery experience. Within few boundaries what I want is actually quite fluid and not exactly known a priori. When we seek information it is more important to tell a shopper why some jackets are good for Arizona than simply provide an answer to which one or ones are good Arizona jackets. The explanatory information is what we seek which we might use to inform other choices we make about the multidimensional category of light jackets. This is why the few people who actually talk to in store help do so… they are looking for understanding not necessarily a product to buy.

All you have to do is think about the last time you spent more than a few minutes shopping for something. What were you trying to do? What kind of information would you have needed to provide to someone or some app to lead you to your eventual choice? Was that information in the set of unknown unknowns as you began shopping?

The answer to the question “what best” again isn’t binary or singular. Jackets are good for Arizona to varying degrees and they also possess other properties that I might value more than Arizona appropriateness. Some of these properties I may not even know exist and will only discover during the shopping process. Similarly, good and bad reviews are good and bad in infinite number of ways and differently applicable for each shopper. How would Watson know how to judge a review for me in particular and not necessarily how to judge it in general?

Ok so assume I am not so demanding and I just wanted to pick up a reasonably appropriate jacket… then why do I need a billion dollar machine to help me when I am fairly indifferent. A basic search will lead to a reasonably adequate solution.Essentially this app has no core customer, and solves no problem actual human shoppers have. People who care want to shop themselves, people who don’t already have simple existing solutions.

So yes at scale this is could be a great product. But none of us shop at scale although our collective shopping experience is at scale. A project to analyze data about all smart phones in the market to find the best phone for adults between 18-24 might result in more happy smart phone owners on average if the entire cohort acted on the suggestion. However no subject who cared enough to be aware of such recommendation will blindly accept it without the requisite understanding and explanation that can only be acquired through shopping.  So whats the value add of said project?

It requires a bit of nuanced thought and actual consideration of the behavior of  living, breathing human shoppers to see this. Also a healthy skepticism of solutionism and the many nails that seem to appear after you acquire a hammer may have helped save IBM whatever fraction of $100M it is investing here.

Again a classic case of trying to solve a “problem” that isn’t actually a problem.

Zero Dark Coaches

8 NFL coaching vacancies in 2012 no blacks hired. A lot of people see a problem. Lets look into it.

Presumed Problem Statement 

NFL owners aren’t hiring enough black coaches wholly or partly due to candidates’ race and/or tangential consequences attributable to their race but having nothing to do with ability to coach however the NFL measures such ability (more on this problem statement later).

Root Cause Analysis

Many problems are due to combination of causes working in concert however most can be distilled into a single root cause if each cause is subjected to enough probing “why?” queries. Lets assume this is a singular root cause problem.

Possible Root Causes:
A) There aren’t enough black coaching candidates in the first place.
B) The NFL owners are racist.
C) The NFL owners aren’t exposed to the qualified black coaching candidates.

Root Cause A: Few candidates
At worst the NFL has no power to fix this at best it can effect slow and indirect change. This root cause unfortunately either has no solution or the solution is so deeply rooted in the same societal issues sometimes attributed to similar problems such as the dearth of black medical doctors. If so the NFL on its own will be hard pressed to make a dent here or evaluate its corrective measures for a generation or more.

Root Cause B: Damn Racists!
Here we address the possibility that a majority of NFL owners are for one reason or another biased against blacks holding head coaching positions. Our mitigation options:
1) Replace the current racist owners with non-prejudiced men and women.
2) Reform the racist owners.
3) Mandate a quota for a minimum number of black coaches.

For (2) there are no reliable tools available to measure the effectiveness of mitigation strategies short of a mind reading device. Therefore, the current Rooney Rule  in this respect  cannot be called to account for progress on (2) since a truly reformed racist may still hire a white coach even after interviewing a black coach. (1) and (3) are impractical or create less satisfactory outcomes than the status quo.

Root Cause C: Exposure
In this scenario the owners just aren’t aware of the qualified black candidates. Solution? Lets make them aware or in essence address an equality of opportunity problem. Rooney Rule generally tries to do this however untastefully (my opinion). Now since equality of opportunity and equality of outcomes aren’t the same we have no reason to believe the Rooney Rule is not working especially based on the outcomes of one offseason.

Considering the above potential root causes there is at worst no practical solutions and at best only a very slow developing and difficult to measure fix available to the NFL. But what about the possibility that a problem does not exist in the first?

OK so lets get back to our assumed problem statement and take a second look at it. What are the chances the reason why the proportion of black NFL coaches isn’t to our liking is primarily due to the blackness of the coaches and the establishment’s reaction to said blackness of skin and its emergent properties having nothing to do with coaching ability? 0%? 5%? 50%?

Is even posing this question publicly a symptom of prejudice? Not necessarily.

Yes there is no law of nature holding the root cause of our unsatisfactory reality in conformity with our current tastes in political correctness however it is still possible our problem isn’t one that requires prejudiced white owners or the idea of intellectually inferior blacks to exist. Just as a proof of concept and not a claim of identity consider how the dearth of Latino NFL coaches requires neither racist owners nor inferior Latinos to exist.

By the way so you don’t dismiss this offhand as a biased view of a prejudiced mind, I’m just a Sub-Saharan African observing and applying the problem solving techniques that proves so effective in many works of life to this situation.

Window Shopping Humanity Part III: That Shizz ‘Cray


Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown

Window Shopping Humanity, Part II: Art of Picture-ology

Lets talk about your profiles or the essay portion of the exam. What are they good for? Well not quite nothing but close. As we talked about in Part II a guy’s mind is very close to made up after looking at your photos and measurables. Well sort of, there’s a little more to it. Let me put it this way, your written essay is like a CarFax report. They can only inform you of reasons NOT to complete a purchase you otherwise had your mind set on. It rarely does provide a reason TO PURCHASE a vehicle you previously had little interest in after physical inspection.

So assuming your pictures and measurables pass inspection, your profile becomes your opportunity to explain to the audience how crazy you aren’t without sounding needy, demanding, emotionally unstable, or umm… crazy.  Your personal statement is primarily used to determine how much to discount your acceptable physical appeal score. Can your profile actually improve your score? May be but its rare and if at all not by much. The downside is far greater.

My advice, keep your profile short and sweet. You want to sound well adjusted, lighthearted, intelligent and not desperate. Please don’t say you’re funny, BE FUNNY. Don’t ask for someone to make you laugh, instead make an attempt to make someone laugh… or smile. You will stand out in a positive way if you take this approach.

The problem with written communication is there are no tone inflections or facial expressions to contextualize your words. Therefore, its best you avoid even remotely off putting or controversial subjects and personal revelations. The list of what to avoid is much much longer than the safe list. I don’t want to know how you just learnt to love yourself, how much crap you’ve been through,  anything regarding your previous relationships or bad habits since I am just going to paint them in the worst light possible.

The scarce resource when it comes to women online isn’t education, career accomplishments , compatible hobbies, similar vacation destination preferences or whatever else you people think is important. Sure those are not totally inconsequential but they are also not the premier scarce resource which of course is: SANITY.  An ideal woman to initiate first email contact with is acceptably attractive and of sound mind. All else is negotiable.

And now to the tips organized by topic. I have included some quotes from real profile to illustrate.


You always lose when you attempt to list all the kinds of men you’re not interested in. Even men who don’t have these blacklisted traits will avoid you. It signals you have most likely dated or at least know a lot of these undesirables. So what does that say about you?

There should be an unspoken understanding that no one is out here looking for dramatic, dishonest, disloyal, unemployed, abusive,  and misogynist men with a substance abuse problem and multiple parole violations to boot. The fact you feel compelled to mention these issues tells me more about you than it does about your dating preferences. You just end up scaring everyone off. The only group of men who will be attracted to such unsavory demands might be the recently reformed. For example, a recovering pothead will be all over a profile that specifically mentions no potheads.

” I am over men who play games”
I see…because you used to be under men who played games, amirite? Pass!

” No drama please”
You don’t effing say!

” I think drive and ambition are sexy so if you’re content sitting around all day everyday this chick’s not for you”
Ugh too lazy to come up with a retort *slumps back on couch*

Honey Do-List

This is not a ransom negotiation, please avoid enumeration of demands for what a potential mate must do for you. Instead focus on who you’d like him to be. Be-ing is what I am, do-ing is work I have to do. I have no idea who the hell you are but I know for certain its far too soon to be taking commands from you. Owners of such demanding profiles usually never mention what they intend to do for their mate or why they deserve so much done for and to them in the first place.

“looking for a man who knows how to treat a woman”
So you’re saying you’re high maintenance then. Keeping it moving yo.

“i can’t tell you the last time that i got flowers on a date or even had the door opened for me!”
Bet you’ve had many doors slammed on you though.

“I would like a man who brushes the hair out my face and kisses me like its the first and could be the last time”
Yup thats a direct quote folks.


OK I get it you like to laugh, guess what? So does every other pair of tits here. This doesn’t give me any information about how crazy you’re not. Even movie villians love to laugh…. muahahahahaha! see? OK fine you like to laugh good for you, now demanding that I must be able to make you laugh? I’m pretty sure the clown audition is down the street. I’m perfectly happy making you laugh but it has to be because I’m just be-ing (myself) not do-ing a chore as in “8. Make the bitch laugh…again”. If you really want someone to make you laugh I suggest you buy the two drink minimum to be entertained by a professional.

Someone smarter than I am clearly needs to figure out why literally 95% of profiles mention a great affinity for laughter and men who cause it. People never actually say this in real life however for some reason the same folks almost unanimously feel it needs to be mentioned online as if silence would imply a complete intolerance for laughter.

For some reason though simply exchange “laugh” for “smile” and I see you as warm, lighthearted and probably not a crazy bitch. More smiling less laughing.


So you went to school for broadcasting and film but you’re currently working the front desk at your brother in-law’s body shop but that’s okay since you just rededicated yourself to finally doing something creative. Yeah so shut up. Its too soon to be discussing your train wreck of a career. You think revealing less than flattering facts humanizes you and makes you seem more approachable? Beeep!  Wrong again! The only way you can be humanized is to meet me in person and your keyboard diarrhea is not helping arrange that. Its more likely we’re going to assume that whatever you revealed is a catastrophic condition of which you have barely exposed the tip and whatever optimism you profess for the future is merely delusion.

This is not the time or place for a complete unabridged life story. Save that until you are able to provide context in the form of, for example, a disarming smile.

“can be pessimistic at times but never towards anyone else”
Ummm …okay…so this is good?

“My heart has been broken way to many times, I’m nervouse but willing to learn about another and hopeing to fall in love again”
“Uh uh uh… pick me! pick me!” said No One

Friends and Family

Oh so friends and family mean a lot to you. Woo Woo Woo slow down Mother Effing Theresa. I don’t know who told women that men have any particular affinity for such a standard issue stance on family. Literally 95% of profiles include many lines professing undying love for their nuclear families. This doesn’t make you stand out in anyway and omitting it doesn’t make us assume you’re a some kind of a family jihadist. Most people, even ‘cray ‘cray bitches, love their friends and family so get over it already.

The general idea here is that when you over emphasize facts that are usually taken for granted by normal people we have a reason to believe your attitude towards the subject might be abnormal in some form. In this case mentioning that you love love love your family makes me imagine your dad sitting between us at the movies.

“On the subject of family and friends, mine are extremely important to me and I couldn’t survive without them. In fact, I actually enjoy hanging out with my family”
Naw men! You serious? GTFO!


I’m not interested in your past encounters with men. If you’re here they couldn’t have gone THAT well. I know that already but I would also like to forget it.  As far as I am concerned you are a virgin and no one has ever actually decided they’d rather be alone than be with you. There is a nascent fear of having to pay for another man’s sins that you really do not want to awake in us.

Again please avoid all forms of negativity and from where we stand all previous encounters with men constitute negativity.

“I’ve been hurt in the past but its made me stronger”
Hmm … stronger? I’m picturing one painful, vindictive ball crushing upcoming. I’m really sorry about your ex-fiance cheating on you with the broad he met at the One Direction show but I don’t know you enough to a) actually be sorry  b) care how much stronger you as a result or c) not click “Next” now. Good luck!

“new beginning”, “loving life again”, “looking for a fresh start”
I shudder to imagine where you just came from. Also hate baggage fees.

Online dating experience

Oh ok so you’re only here because a rabid band of friends are making you and you never thought you’d end up on a dating site? See that’s interesting since the rest of us imagined our dating lives playing out on the internet from a very early age. BRA – effing – VO!, dipshizz. You’re clearly much too good for online dating lest we mistake you for the rest of the riff raff who actually want and planned to attend this loser convention. Its okay you feel that way but just keep it to yourself since we’re all quite aware of the online dating stigma.

There’s only one reason to be in a place like this: Your attempts at finding love in the real world was an unmitigated failure. You plain and simply suck at love. Everything else about your work schedule and small town residence is lipstick and rationalization.

Self praise

Don’t tell me how funny and intelligent and caring and selfless and loyal and fun you are. This paints you as someone with questionable social skills and too dumb to even feign modesty where appropriate. Allow me come to these conclusions on my own by subtly leading me along. And please don’t comment on your attractiveness or specific physical features. Let your photos do the talking. I really don’t need any help objectifying you. I’m quite … you know… good at it. Also such acts of positive self-review hints at desperation.

Smart and funny people never have to describe themselves as such. If you’re actually any of those things they should be apparent after reading your profile.

“Hey what’s up! I’m Kristin. I’m 5’11 1/2″ tall, with dark hazel eyes, wavy medium brown hair with blonde highlights and a bright smile that can light up the world. I’m sexy, outgoing, fun, flirty, laid back, easy-going, good-hearted type of girl who gets along with just about anybody.”
Only whores believe being flirtatious is an admirable personality trait. I mean if you’re already flirting with all these other dudes then why am I wasting my time trying to come up with a clever first email? Eff this!

“I would think most men would want a woman who is: smart, funny, and attractive, but NOT clingy, which describes me to a “t” “
Smart people usually don’t tell you how smart they are if they did they’d add some self-deprecating humor to neutralize the arrogance of proclaiming your own intelligence. You’re neither smart nor funny, dumbass.

Sport Games

Find me a female with an online dating profile who isn’t a huge sports and I’ll find you one who isn’t trying hard enough. Women online seem to agree on one thing and one thing only: Men like sports, so men must also like women who like sports. Not so fast my friends. First of all, you’re all mostly bold face liars. If all of you actually loved sports as much as you claim you do then the Buffallo Wild Wings on a fall Sunday morning would be crawling with chics.  Catching parts of the super bowl halftime show doesn’t make the NFL your thing.

So okay yeah guys kind of like chics who like sports, but what we only like them because those are usually the type of girlfriend who would allow us enjoy sports with our friends who actually do like sports.

The major benefit of a girlfriend who is a good sport is that she doesn’t insist you attend brunch with her mom on a fall Sunday morning. In essence we’d love you just as much if you hated sports but just refrained from insisting on family brunch during a week with a loaded 1pm slate. My fantasy lineup isn’t going to set itself.

Lets just work on being less of buzzkill shall we?

“love to experience new things but I also like to relax on a lazy Sunday afternoon watching sports: baseball, hockey and football.”
Watching sports is hardly a relaxing way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon especially if you’re watching 3 different sports leagues at once.

“Someone to talk to about anything and go to a sports game with. Can this be you?”
Hey uh did you see that awesome game of sport last night?

“A great date would include going to a ball game, eating hot dogs, catching a home run ball (or a foul ball), and enjoying and getting to know the person I’m with.”
And we’re going to sit high on the bleachers scratchinh our schweddy balls and staring down blouses, amirite? *Double High five, Hand slap, low five, Fist bump and explode* Yeeeeaaah Bwyah!

Covering basis

Whats this thing with women expressing their affinity for each extreme of everything. So you like going out but staying in is also fine. You like dressing up but can rock sweat pants or jeans and a tee like its no one’s biz. You’re laid back but also like to get up and go. You like trying new things and being adventurous but also fine with staying home with a glass of wine. You work really hard at your career but know how to unwind. You want someone who is hardworking and motivated but looks forward to spending days doing absolutely nothing. You’re Team Edward and but Team Jacob is cool.

Oh I think I really like you but also kind of can’t stand you.

Look, it’s not like when you say you like dressing up we then assume you hangout at home in a cocktail dress in full makeup.

“I love dressing up for a night in the city but I’m equally happy at a sports bar drinking a beer”,”I like to go out but love to stay in and lounge too”,”I am semi-adventurous and like to try new things, but also appreciate a lazy Sunday afternoon.” ,”I also enjoy going out for a night just as much as I do staying in.”
okay so whats the silent treatment about then  you’re supposed to like this just as much as the other thing we’re not doing.

“I’m a good mix of crazy and chill”
Like a good mix of cyanide and 2 splendas? YAY! Wonderful

So what exactly should be in your profile then? Well, just simply and succinctly describe what makes you you. Focus on your unique attributes, activities you enjoy, non-obvious hobbies you might have (here’s a clue hanging out with friends isn’t one),  and what makes you tick.  Then in as general and non-combative terms as possible describe who want to meet. Again that is who you want not what you want done for you. Essentially the point here is to give me a hook for a first email.

Hi! I ‘m new to match, hoping to meet someone who is genuine and kind-hearted. I’m always in the city, and love to try new restaurants and travel. If you think we’d be a match feel free to contact me!

That gives me absolutely nothing to work with and we all know any guy worth talking to wouldn’t declare his interest to be founded entirely on your images (although it probably is). Hence the decent guys will not approach clearing the path for good-for-nothing, worthless, dirtbags everywhere who of course you’d date for 6 months and return to bemoan the dearth of good men. Yeah so effing blow me!

So ladies, this is the part where you go scrap your whiny, needy, demanding, inappropriately emotional, unoriginal, lie of a profile and replace it with something that doesn’t make me barf

… pretty please?

Window Shopping Humanity, Part II: Art of Picture-ology

Previously: Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown

Your pictures are more important than everything else in your profile COM-effing-BINED. Its your first, best and only remotely credible impression. Online dating is an environment where false advertising and pig lipsticking is rampant. We all know this. Although pictures can be misleading they are not as easily fabricated as the fictional literature you’ve attached below.

Most men are 95% decided after viewing your pictures. Everything else after that is far more likely to subtract rather than add to our impression of you. Here’s how it works: First we view your pictures. If still interested we checkout the rest of the profile primarily to give you an opportunity to prove you are of sound of mind and spirit. This is the part we find out whether you would key my car when a female name shows up on the caller id and ask questions later.

Now that we’re clear on the importance of your visual presentation here’s how to get the most of your very average looks.

Disclaimer: A lot of what follows below will sound very cold, shallow and may be even dickish however its simply a reflection of how you would judge anyone if you were an average male and all you had were pictures. A guy looking at your profile has zero emotional connection to you at this point therefore the process is impersonal and algorithmic. Reading too much into the background, attire, posture, supporting cast, anatomical exposure, facial expression etc is pretty much par for the course.

Ladies if you have a weak stomach, lack a sense of humor, don’t know the difference between “ought to” and reality, or tend to take statements by random guys on random blogs too personally then consider this the last exit before the tolls.  Buh Bye!

Quality and Quantity

An unflattering picture of you is like finding a dead mouse in a box of premium chocolates. The averaging out effect just doesn’t exist here. The more pictures you put up the higher the probability of a mouse in the house. Do a google images search for the most beautiful woman you know and I bet you inside of the first 10 picture there is at least 1 stinker.

The same chic can be a 4 or an 8 depending on which pictures of her you view. Posting 12 pictures of you as an 8 and 2 of you as a 4 makes you a 4 online even though you may be a 7 or 8 in real life.

Lets keep it to about 5 – 8 stills of the very best of you. From my experience the more pictures of you I see after about 8 the less attracted to you I become. This could be a result of the front loading effect were the best pictures are posted first or it could just be that familiarity breeds disinterest. The key with pictures is to know when to quit while you’re still ahead. Its more important to make sure you only show your BEST photos than to showcase your bubbly personality with a Halloween photo of you in something very unflattering. If scaring guys away was the point then congratulations! You win.

So unfortunately you are going to be judged disproportionately on your worst photo. Women have little in common with fine wine so we assume your least attractive photo  is your most recent and quite frankly the only one that matters since we’re interested in you for the future and not so much for what you looked like 3 years ago before you moved the elliptical into storage.

Too many times I see profiles where a chic has a number of great photos of her but inexplicably selects the worst one as the profile pic. This is fine if you’re expecting the rest of your profile to be read in brail. You are better off with an inconclusive first impression than a passport photo clear subpar version of your mug. If you go with latter at least make sure you’re smiling. Frowning doesn’t only give you wrinkles but also makes sure you wrinkle in the company of numerous cats and an Agatha Christie.

Too many chics be looking like angry birds.


There are two kind of co-stars you want to avoid at all costs: Adult males and anyone under 5.

You helped deliver your nephew so you guys are tight and shizz  but if you’d like your own delivery any time soon, lose that little hombre. Men looking at your profile don’t like to see you holding young children they haven’t fathered yet. Yeah I know there’s a caption clearly stating the baby ain’t your’s on the other hand  there’s the fact that we know haunted houses aren’t real but we still react like they are.

So funny story, we also don’t want to see you with other grown men.  Its just difficult imagining being your man when my spot appears to be occupied. It doesn’t matter if its your old man, identical twin brother or your gay bff lets just leave other men out of the picture especially Smoochy McGroper over there with the greasy hair and gold chain.

And if you have to crop a guy out don’t be sloppy about it. Make sure there isn’t a visible hairy male forearm around your shoulder or something. That is just as off-putting as the uncropped version. However men in group photos are fine although group photos tend to be useless since I have no idea which one you are and I’m too lazy to figure out “2nd row, third from the left”.

Goddammit who’s left? mine or your’s? Ah forget it. Next!

Bonus co-star to avoid: Women much more attractive than you are. You’re just talking me off the fence with that and I’m not coming down on your side baby girl.

In summary, there’s very little to be gained by showing pictures of you with any prominently observable human faces. Your best chance lies in working solo.


Picture of you at a shooting range skews crazy every time. Pictures of you at Buffalo Wild Wings downing beers and taking names is kind of a Buzzkillington. In more general terms masculinity unexplained and out of context is not attractive. Avoid pictures of you in overtly masculine situations. There might be an exception for playing sports, but try to avoid schweddy close-ups. Listen we like athletic, active women but this usually works as an attraction after we’ve seen you clean up or at least met you. For now a close-up of you doing work in Rugby is just not worth the risk.

If I wanted a man I wouldn’t be looking at your profile Miss. So lets lose the shots of you splitting firewood,  its not really good for the wood. Since you’re taking stuff down get the ones with you an alcohol in close proximity while we’re at it.


We look you over FAST – Face Ass Shape Tits. If we cannot infer or verify each point we put you down for the worst possible score since we assume you’re hiding something.  If you had a killer ass and banging body we know you’re going to find a way to tastefully show it. But that’s cool though just keep posting close-up half face shots and we’ll be happy to fill in the blanks for you.

When it comes to showing skin modesty is the best policy. Exposed anatomy hits the point of dimishing returns very quickly. I don’t need to see you in a bikini to chart your scores, my imagination when fed just enough information will most likely project your features to be better than they are in reality. In our imagination the ass in those jeans ain’t got no cellulite.

Also the only men who are all too happy with their women exposing it for all to see are pimps. The well educated doctors, lawyers, and engineers that you and your parents covet would first have you in a hijab before they show their friends your bikini photos.

In general any overt or covert displays of skanky or lose behavior never helps and this includes those slimy camera phone, mirror aided self portraits, any duck face shots and too many pictures with greasy brodudes.

Non-human and innanimate objects

You’re not helping with pictures of your pets, crummy arts and crafts work, ocean, sunsets, the Eiffel tower or other smoldering piles of crap you’re obsessed with. I didn’t take the chance to publicly declare my inability to get laid in the real world just to fall in love with your miniature schnauzer or find out how nice Puerto Vallarta is this time of the year. If it doesn’t have you in it can you wait to show it to me when we’re at that stage when I have to pretend to give 2 shizz? Super!

No pictures

Yeah I know you’ve written a “funny” profile with all the retarded cliched life quotes and you have a PhD and all but girlfriend none of that matters if I have no idea what you look like. Look the competition all have pictures so why the hell would I go through the trouble of emailing you to get a picture? There’s already too much uncertainty inherent to this method of mate discovery we really don’t need anymore. Again there’s literally 5000 other chics within a 50 miles radius of me who actually look like something.

So please go away and come back when you’re ready to post pictures. As it is you’re just clogging up the server.


Your best pose is a side profile shot with your head slightly tilted towards the camera. This is the best you’re going to look although its sadly not a cure for morbid obesity. The benefit of this angle is that you expose just enough for our brains to effectively fill in the blanks. From half or three quarters of a face we will return prettiest whole face possible from those pieces and from one boob we’ll nurse an equal sized, perfectly symmetrical pair.


It appears that I am encouraging you to … you know … cook the album a little. That would be only half true. I’m simply preparing you to advance past this fellow on the computer. See he is shallow, over demanding, uncompromising and erroneously reads something into everything. He is also currently working through a 1250 deep search result set so he’s quite impatient. In the real world he’s a lot more forgiving of your flabby arms and your interest in behavioral economics actually counts for something.

The goal here to have this cyborg ask you to meet the brick and mortar, skin and bones him i.e. the pleasant human version of him which is who you are hopefully going to have a relationship with.

Window Shopping Humanity, Part I: The Lowdown

If you’re one of those stumps who still isn’t aware of my position on online dating

a) WTF! … bitch!

b) Read up …. bitch!

c) Yo! bitch ya done yet? … …  …  …  … … … …  bitch!

Sorry sobering up from a Breaking Bad binge orgy. Unfamiliar with the show? This is why no one likes you. Seriously freals watch it. 

Alright, now that we’re all caught up. You might be surprised to learn I spent a few weeks on the Here I even baked a pie to explain.

I’m still single…  so … yeah there’s that. Oh but look on the bright side I did however realize how horrible an online personality I translate to. Maybe someday I’ll get into why exactly I’m toxic online. Here’s a tease: You people aren’t in the habit of placing bids on large black men sight unseen. Why do you think those slave auctions in Roots were never on Ebay? Yeah I know how convenient to blame your race for your general sucking at life. Also the  fact that I am apparently the only human who doesn’t like travelling also factors in possibly certainly.

Note to self: Self deprecation, not attractive … anywhere.

Wait ..sorry … I thought his about reviewing online dating and helping the ladies with their profiles.

Yeah lemme finish… I usually find advertising fascinating so reading through so many profiles was quite one hell of a time for me. Online dating is simply the process of surfing through a series of infomercials or pretty much my late night TV viewing habits.

Stupid me, I thought I already mentioned how this is not about you.

Alright now to the book report but first lets level set.

  • For obvious reasons I only focus on the profiles of women seeking men.
  • The observations and recommendations I make only address women seeking high quality, discriminating men as opposed to those women seeking low value males fishing with grenades. Here’s why this is important. You see most guys on online dating sites fall into 3 categories:
    1. Interested in serious long term relationship with the right woman.
    2. Interested in a quick lay given a willing party.
    3. Genuinely there for (1) but would settle for (2) while (1) pans out …yaknowwhatImsayin’?

A majority of the men are more or less 3s. The women I address in this report would much rather be considered for position (1) and (3.1). This report does not address women primarily interested in the (2), (3.2) and missionary positions. For them there is no reason to worry about their online presentation since their most important asset is the willingness to spread it and forget it. These women would do just as well with a completely shizzy profile which can be created without my help.

  • Finally I am simply projecting the thought process of your average, kind, generous, gainfully employed, never married, no kids, upstanding male citizen in pursuit of (1) and (3.1). This doesn’t necessarily imply an endorsement or renunciation of their methodology and choices. This report is simply a statement of fact as I understand the facts to be which you can safely assume is pretty much how the facts are.

I will break this down into 3 parts

  1. Art of Picture-ology
  2. Science of Profile-ing
  3. Miscellaneous Observations

Ok kids, it appears I have some writing to get to.

Today in Psychology of Sales

Store Keeper: OK so what if I just hike the price by $10 and make fancy signs advertising a Huge Ass Sale! for $10 off would that work for you ma’am?

Shopper: Oh yeah wonderful that’d be great savings!

Eavesdropping Extraterrestrial: Wait What?!?!?!


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